There are a lot of things I have discovered about being on bedrest that no one told me, and there wasn't really anyway to prepare myself for it.
First is obviously the shock of it all. Everyone deals with shock differently. Much to hubs annoyance most of the time I deal with shock through intense humor. I joke around, and laugh, and pretend like everything is great and I am invincible. I feel like I have to do this so that the people around me don't panic. I feel like if they don't panic then I won't either. When I first started having pre-term labor I called my Mom and laughed as I told her I was having contractions. I don't think she found it very funny.
The whole time I was in the hospital and was meeting with Drs and ultrasound techs, and nurses and such, I laughed and cracked jokes. I still do. I do that while I'm in pain to keep from losing it. The Chiropractor is constantly surprised at my laughing ability instead of screaming in intense pain "like most of the gals".
Secondly comes silent panic. Especially for me. I didn't want to vocalize my fears, and tried to deal quietly with them. I waiting until hubs was at work, and Cricket was down for a nap before I lost it, and sobbed and sobbed. I tried to keep my composure and promised everyone I was fine, and didn't need anything (inside I was secretly falling apart, more and more everyday).
What if something happens to this baby and I didn't do a good enough job staying down? What is Hubs going to do? He already has so much on his plate. How is my house supposed to stay clean? Who is going to take care of the baby? Am I going to end up in the hospital full time? What drugs will I be on? When will the baby come? Will he be healthy?
Then came the intense depression. Which I also hide for a long time. But most of my days I spent in tears, or complete numbness. And it has only gotten worse as time has dragged on.
With the depression, came anxiety, and boredom.
Then my body started giving out, and the little emotional sanity I had left gave out.
With each visit to the dr, and each passing day it only got worse.
My discouragement became overwhelming.
It is really hard to stay positive when your whole world is turned upside down. When even the simplest task can't be done. My bathroom breaks and showers are even on a schedule, and something I have no control over anymore.
I can't do anything I am used to. Instead of being a mom, and wife, I have become an incubator for a child that I stress every second about being able to carry to a point he will survive.
I have never in my life felt so worthless, depressed, stressed, bored, hopeless, helpless, and alone.
I feel like I have given my whole life up, and not by my own choosing. I have received a lot of helpful talks from people, and reminders of it's worth, and how amazing it will be when the baby comes. But I have to say, that is really hard to see when you are in near constant pain every second of everyday. And when you are hormonal and emotional, you really aren't thinking clearly.
I a determined to find the positive, and to keep laughing and push through. I do KNOW that in the end, this will all be worth it, and I will have no regrets.
Just don't judge me too harshly if you catch me on an off and emotional day :) Deal?
Trust me, I know that when Little Man gets here, I will be the happiest mama there ever was, and I won't even think of the literal months of torture I had to go through to get him here, but everyone has bad days. I'm learning to adjust, and deal. I just sometimes wish that I could conquer one battle before the next one starts. But then again don't we all? :)
