I am having a "What the heck was I thinking?" moment tonight. Also a "Am I losing my mind?" moment.
When this is all said and done it WILL be worth every second of these moments... but for now, I am wondering what I have gotten myself into.
That is all.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Drama Drama
This weekend has been one thing after another...
Hubs has been really sick, and we had to take him into the Dr today.
My dad got really ill and ended up in the ICU.
Cricket threw up during Easter Dinner at someone elses house. As a side note, she also threw up in my mouth. Literally vomited in my mouth. Yep.... Pretty sure I will never be able to eat ham, or Jello Salad EVER again.
I feel like my body is being ripped into seventy pieces.
Cricket has had a little bit of a hard time adjusting to being home this time... Really missing Gramma, and Papa, and has turned into the Spawn of Satan... Hubs and I are in debate about which one of us is Satan... probably me this week ;) Her moods swings have about done me in.
I know that tomorrow things will be better. They have to be better!
Hubs has been really sick, and we had to take him into the Dr today.
My dad got really ill and ended up in the ICU.
Cricket threw up during Easter Dinner at someone elses house. As a side note, she also threw up in my mouth. Literally vomited in my mouth. Yep.... Pretty sure I will never be able to eat ham, or Jello Salad EVER again.
I feel like my body is being ripped into seventy pieces.
Cricket has had a little bit of a hard time adjusting to being home this time... Really missing Gramma, and Papa, and has turned into the Spawn of Satan... Hubs and I are in debate about which one of us is Satan... probably me this week ;) Her moods swings have about done me in.
I know that tomorrow things will be better. They have to be better!
Dropped
I had an ultrasound again, and Little Man has decided to move around a lot! (Thus the increased bleeding), but he is doing well.
When I got off from my nap I thought I was going to wet myself (TMI I know), and then I noticed my center of gravity was totally different. I looked in the mirror, and sure enough Little Man decided it was time to drop. I wasn't surprised, because of how he was laying on the ultrasound, just a matter of time, but I wasn't expecting it to be an hour later lol.
Guess we will see if this changes anything over the next week while he settles in.
I was really hoping that when he did drop I would have a little relief and be able to breath a little easier, but no such luck.
When I got off from my nap I thought I was going to wet myself (TMI I know), and then I noticed my center of gravity was totally different. I looked in the mirror, and sure enough Little Man decided it was time to drop. I wasn't surprised, because of how he was laying on the ultrasound, just a matter of time, but I wasn't expecting it to be an hour later lol.
Guess we will see if this changes anything over the next week while he settles in.
I was really hoping that when he did drop I would have a little relief and be able to breath a little easier, but no such luck.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The Children's Hour
"Between the dark and the daylight,
When the night is beginning to lower,
Comes a pause in the day's occupations,
That is known as the Children's Hour.
I hear in the chamber above me
The patter of little feet,
The sound of a door that is opened,
And voices soft and sweet."
I have my sweet little Cricket home for a few days. It has been exhausting, and hard, but such a delight!
Tonight as she started to signal being tired...ie: screaming, crying, begging for milk, blanket, baby, and to rock... my emotions about got the better of me. I have not been doing very well, and today was a very long pain filled day (I wouldn't trade a moment for the time spent with my little one though), and the thought of having to chase a tired sensitive, screaming child was too much for me to bear. I got her to come rock with me, and the second I started to sing her sweet bed time songs, her demeanor changed. It wasn't long before my sweet girl drifted into a quiet sleep and held tightly to my thumb. I couldn't bring myself to part from her just yet, so I just held her close, rocked some more, and cried.
Of all the jobs I have ever had, or could ever dream of having, being a mom is by far the hardest, most emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. It is painful, and stressful, and I often feel like I will lose my mind. But I have never been so happy, so fulfilled, or so overwhelmed with love. It has been especially difficult over the past few months, and there are many days I feel that I cannot take it anymore. But then I have a "Children's Hour", and my heart and body are renewed, and I wouldn't trade a minute of it, for anything in this world.
I told Hubs earlier tonight when I was getting really frustrated, that I felt like I had lost myself in becoming a Mom. That I had nothing left that was my own. It hurt me to feel like I wasn't a whole person anymore, and that I had nothing left to call my own. Even my body was not my own anymore. I was at a breaking point. But then during my "Children's Hour" tonight, I realized that through my children I had become whole, that they were my whole heart, and my whole being. They are like love on fire. I was never whole before them. Something was always missing. A piece was gone that I could never describe, or understand.
The pain, and stress, and frustration we experience as mothers is what makes us whole. It is what gives us everything we have ever hoped for, and yearned for. It is what makes our hearts whole, enlightens us, and brings peace to our souls. There is a part of us missing, until our children come. However they may come. There is never as much peace in our lives, than through the chaos of being a mother. Never as much rest and comfort in my soul, than when I am holding my child. I have never experienced such love, a love that hurts more than I have ever hurt when it is gone, than with my child.
This is what gets a through. They are the ones that pull us back up when we have fallen so low. They give us the strength and the courage to carry on.
I am not lost with my child, I am lost without her. I cannot wait until my sweet little girl can be home all the time. I am not sure how I will handle all that energy at once, after having such a low key life for the last three months, but I cannot wait to have my children home, and be whole again.
The Children's Hour
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Between the dark and the daylight,
When the night is beginning to lower,
Comes a pause in the day's occupations,
That is known as the Children's Hour.
I hear in the chamber above me
The patter of little feet,
The sound of a door that is opened,
And voices soft and sweet.
From my study I see in the lamplight,
Descending the broad hall stair,
Grave Alice, and laughing Allegra,
And Edith with golden hair.
A whisper, and then a silence:
Yet I know by their merry eyes
They are plotting and planning together
To take me by surprise.
A sudden rush from the stairway,
A sudden raid from the hall!
By three doors left unguarded
They enter my castle wall!
They climb up into my turret
O'er the arms and back of my chair;
If I try to escape, they surround me;
They seem to be everywhere.
They almost devour me with kisses,
Their arms about me entwine,
Till I think of the Bishop of Bingen
In his Mouse-Tower on the Rhine!
Do you think, O blue-eyed banditti,
Because you have scaled the wall,
Such an old mustache as I am
Is not a match for you all!
I have you fast in my fortress,
And will not let you depart,
But put you down into the dungeon
In the round-tower of my heart.
And there will I keep you forever,
Yes, forever and a day,
Till the walls shall crumble to ruin,
And moulder in dust away!
When the night is beginning to lower,
Comes a pause in the day's occupations,
That is known as the Children's Hour.
I hear in the chamber above me
The patter of little feet,
The sound of a door that is opened,
And voices soft and sweet."
I have my sweet little Cricket home for a few days. It has been exhausting, and hard, but such a delight!
Tonight as she started to signal being tired...ie: screaming, crying, begging for milk, blanket, baby, and to rock... my emotions about got the better of me. I have not been doing very well, and today was a very long pain filled day (I wouldn't trade a moment for the time spent with my little one though), and the thought of having to chase a tired sensitive, screaming child was too much for me to bear. I got her to come rock with me, and the second I started to sing her sweet bed time songs, her demeanor changed. It wasn't long before my sweet girl drifted into a quiet sleep and held tightly to my thumb. I couldn't bring myself to part from her just yet, so I just held her close, rocked some more, and cried.
Of all the jobs I have ever had, or could ever dream of having, being a mom is by far the hardest, most emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. It is painful, and stressful, and I often feel like I will lose my mind. But I have never been so happy, so fulfilled, or so overwhelmed with love. It has been especially difficult over the past few months, and there are many days I feel that I cannot take it anymore. But then I have a "Children's Hour", and my heart and body are renewed, and I wouldn't trade a minute of it, for anything in this world.
I told Hubs earlier tonight when I was getting really frustrated, that I felt like I had lost myself in becoming a Mom. That I had nothing left that was my own. It hurt me to feel like I wasn't a whole person anymore, and that I had nothing left to call my own. Even my body was not my own anymore. I was at a breaking point. But then during my "Children's Hour" tonight, I realized that through my children I had become whole, that they were my whole heart, and my whole being. They are like love on fire. I was never whole before them. Something was always missing. A piece was gone that I could never describe, or understand.
The pain, and stress, and frustration we experience as mothers is what makes us whole. It is what gives us everything we have ever hoped for, and yearned for. It is what makes our hearts whole, enlightens us, and brings peace to our souls. There is a part of us missing, until our children come. However they may come. There is never as much peace in our lives, than through the chaos of being a mother. Never as much rest and comfort in my soul, than when I am holding my child. I have never experienced such love, a love that hurts more than I have ever hurt when it is gone, than with my child.
This is what gets a through. They are the ones that pull us back up when we have fallen so low. They give us the strength and the courage to carry on.
I am not lost with my child, I am lost without her. I cannot wait until my sweet little girl can be home all the time. I am not sure how I will handle all that energy at once, after having such a low key life for the last three months, but I cannot wait to have my children home, and be whole again.
The Children's Hour
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Between the dark and the daylight,
When the night is beginning to lower,
Comes a pause in the day's occupations,
That is known as the Children's Hour.
I hear in the chamber above me
The patter of little feet,
The sound of a door that is opened,
And voices soft and sweet.
From my study I see in the lamplight,
Descending the broad hall stair,
Grave Alice, and laughing Allegra,
And Edith with golden hair.
A whisper, and then a silence:
Yet I know by their merry eyes
They are plotting and planning together
To take me by surprise.
A sudden rush from the stairway,
A sudden raid from the hall!
By three doors left unguarded
They enter my castle wall!
They climb up into my turret
O'er the arms and back of my chair;
If I try to escape, they surround me;
They seem to be everywhere.
They almost devour me with kisses,
Their arms about me entwine,
Till I think of the Bishop of Bingen
In his Mouse-Tower on the Rhine!
Do you think, O blue-eyed banditti,
Because you have scaled the wall,
Such an old mustache as I am
Is not a match for you all!
I have you fast in my fortress,
And will not let you depart,
But put you down into the dungeon
In the round-tower of my heart.
And there will I keep you forever,
Yes, forever and a day,
Till the walls shall crumble to ruin,
And moulder in dust away!
Nesting Man Style
Hubs informed me tonight that he is also nesting. He realized that the time is ticking down before Little Man comes, and so he has started his man nesting ritual.
It all started by taking the crib apart so he could stain it... Did I mention it's 10:30 pm?
He informed me he has many other big projects on his nesting list.
It all started by taking the crib apart so he could stain it... Did I mention it's 10:30 pm?
He informed me he has many other big projects on his nesting list.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Boo!
From the title, it seems like this should be a post about Halloween. But I am using that word (boo) in replacement of a much stronger, much more aggressive word.
The past two days have been.... Well.... HORRIBLE.
Yesterday I had to run to my local Wal-Mart Super Center to pick up some prescriptions. Hubs would not be done in time with work and school to get them. I'll be honest, I was excited about the prospect of being out of the house for a few mins. I had been hurting pretty bad, and planned on taking a ride in my old trusty friend the Amigo, but sadly they were all out of order... That should have been my first clue to turn around and go home.
I did my stuff, and went through the worst self check out EVER. And I really really do mean EVER. Long story that one.
I went out to the parking lot to find the car. Did I mention that I was about ready to pass out? I also have had little focus, and ability to concentrate on things, and I have ZERO short term memory. This left me pushing my shopping cart around the Wal-Mart parking lot for 30 mins trying to not give birth, and find my car at the same time. There were tears. It was not my favorite moment to ever happen.
This led to more pain, and lots more bleeding when I got home. And that led to ZERO sleep last night....
Then today I had a dreaded Drs appt. It was less than encouraging. Today has not been my friend.
Hubs tried to cheer me up by taking me to dinner (we cheated, don't judge). It also did not end well, and it also ended in tears.
Tomorrow will be a better day! I can feel it! Cricket will be coming down tomorrow for the weekend. Thank the Heavens! It has to be a better day with her here right? :)
The past two days have been.... Well.... HORRIBLE.
Yesterday I had to run to my local Wal-Mart Super Center to pick up some prescriptions. Hubs would not be done in time with work and school to get them. I'll be honest, I was excited about the prospect of being out of the house for a few mins. I had been hurting pretty bad, and planned on taking a ride in my old trusty friend the Amigo, but sadly they were all out of order... That should have been my first clue to turn around and go home.
I did my stuff, and went through the worst self check out EVER. And I really really do mean EVER. Long story that one.
I went out to the parking lot to find the car. Did I mention that I was about ready to pass out? I also have had little focus, and ability to concentrate on things, and I have ZERO short term memory. This left me pushing my shopping cart around the Wal-Mart parking lot for 30 mins trying to not give birth, and find my car at the same time. There were tears. It was not my favorite moment to ever happen.
This led to more pain, and lots more bleeding when I got home. And that led to ZERO sleep last night....
Then today I had a dreaded Drs appt. It was less than encouraging. Today has not been my friend.
Hubs tried to cheer me up by taking me to dinner (we cheated, don't judge). It also did not end well, and it also ended in tears.
Tomorrow will be a better day! I can feel it! Cricket will be coming down tomorrow for the weekend. Thank the Heavens! It has to be a better day with her here right? :)
Nesting
Oh boy... Here it comes. The nesting stage has begun. Too bad I have really only been able to make a bunch of lists and hope hubs loves me enough to do them :)
I did get all the bottles washed boiled and sanitized, all the baby clothes washed and put away in the appropriate places, the bassinet is clean (just needs to be put somewhere), my hospital bag is packed, and the diaper bag (I should have gotten one about twelve times the size for two kids!), a coming home outfit was purchased, and a few packages of diapers and formula have been purchased. There is SO much more I want/need to do, but it will have to wait until I have help.
Here's my diaper bag. Isn't it cute, and happy? :)
I did get all the bottles washed boiled and sanitized, all the baby clothes washed and put away in the appropriate places, the bassinet is clean (just needs to be put somewhere), my hospital bag is packed, and the diaper bag (I should have gotten one about twelve times the size for two kids!), a coming home outfit was purchased, and a few packages of diapers and formula have been purchased. There is SO much more I want/need to do, but it will have to wait until I have help.
Here's my diaper bag. Isn't it cute, and happy? :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)