Snapped!

I have tried really hard to find humor and the positive side of this trial. But I must admit it has not been easy. I am still determined, but because I am human, sometimes I fail, miserably.

After over two months of being on flat on your back bed rest I finally snapped. I was really surprised when all was said and done that I hadn't snapped earlier.

Mom, you may want to stop reading now :)

First I made Hubs go through a bunch of stuff with me, and started throwing things away like crazy. I cleaned and organized Cricket and Little Mans room, and closet, and after an anxiety attack, and a lot of borrowed courage (from my mom) I boxed up all of Crickets too small clothes to give away. Then I lost it emotionally and cried for a good couple hours.

I'll be honest with you, it was not smart of me to do all of that activity, and I know that, but I just couldn't lay there another second. I am paying for it big time now, and had a scare, but things are ok. I promise Mom :)

There are so many emotions that are happening right now, many I wasn't prepared to deal with so fully. They all came to a head the other day, and I had reached my maximum capacity.

I don't choose to dwell on this moment in time, but I felt like it was important to be realistic on what I am dealing with.

Many people have told me how they would love to be confined to bed, and have no worries or jobs (and I'll be honest I once thought that it would be pretty great). But the truth of the matter is it is hard on both your body and your mind. I have never felt so helpless, or worthless in my life. It is a kind of despair and helplessness I can't describe to you, and the pain that your body goes through is something I didn't know would happen.

There is only so much tv one person can watch, and only so long I can read, or lay down before you want to shoot the tv.


I was talking to my dear cousin-friend today, and telling her my worries and anxiety about the pregnancy, and the baby coming, and not feeling of not being able to take care of myself or the baby. How I was worried that I would somehow resent Little Man for all of this stuff... But then she told me to think about that moment when I held Cricket for the first time, and how somehow the world just seemed right for one small moment. How all of the pain and literal Hell I had been through before was all somehow worth it, and somehow didn't matter anymore, once that baby was in your arms.

I remember so vividly when I finally got to hold my daughter. Knowing so deeply that I would have given, and would give my entire life for her. And I will hold that moment and feelings with me until I can hold this sweet baby and the world will again be right.

That all of this; the literal hell, pain, insomnia, appointments, missing my child, feeling like I am going to snap, every second of it will be worth it in a few months, and in a few months I won't regret a single moment of it. This is what I will chose to remember, and this is what I will hold onto to make it through.

And next time I snap, I'll just binge on some ice cream instead :)