Bear with me...

Let's be honest, I wasn't going to sleep anyway. Poor girl must know somethings up because she just can't be alone tonight. She hasn't really slept, but cuddled and won't let me go.

I just put her down again, which was hard, but I'm trying to keep up her normal pattern as much as possible. We'll see how long she lasts this time.

We found out last week that Cricket has a "mass" between her skull and her brain. We don't know what it is yet, but she is having a CT Scan done this afternoon to try and find out. She had a really bad reaction to the anesthesia from her surgery, and since they have to put her out, that only adds to my stress level.

I had a couple moments during the day yesterday that I really thought I may have to go to the hospital! I have been in near constant pain the last few days, and it was BAD yesterday. I couldn't walk hardly at all. I couldn't turn over in bed. Every time I did walk I was in tears. Contractions were pretty bad, but not regular, so I didn't have that to go off of. I know I've had worse pain, but it's hard to think of that when you are hurting so bad!


I am really stressed about Cricket's test. I know in my heart that things will work out, what ever may happen, but she is my baby and it's impossible to not worry.

I am also stressed about my appt. Now that the time is getting close, but things are so up in the air about Cricket, I'm really not ready to have another baby. I don't want to be pregnant anymore, but the thought of having two kids to worry about, and not knowing what is going to happen with Cricket, and how healthy Little Man will be is giving me anxiety! I'm trying so hard not to worry, because it doesn't do anything productive, but again, so hard not to do as a Mom!

Luckily Hubs will be able to be there with me for Cricket's test. So he can at least be in there with her to hold her hand since I can't. Which breaks my heart that I can't, but I am so grateful he can, and they will let him.

I keep telling myself if I can just make it through one more week, Little Man will be full term, and there will be less worry, but I honestly don't know if I can make it that long. I know many people with much harder pregnancies than I have, but this has been so hard on me in every way possible. I'm exhausted, and just ready to have my boy here. I really feel like I am going to snap any second! I am so on edge, and so tired, and in so much pain. There is only so much brave face and faking it one person can do! I just can't believe my Mom went through this is 7 kids! She is my hero! I can't even imagine what she went through, and how she made it with all us little ones around and being pregnant!

I keep stressing about who to call to come take Cricket if I did need to go in, and until my Mom could get here, but then I realized: Duh, my SIL is up here. And Cricket loves her, and I can trust her. I know people in my ward would help, but it's easier with family somehow. Maybe it will be less of a stress to Cricket that way?

Why does there have to be so many details to worry about? It's really stressful!

Anyway, Enough rambling. Maybe I'll try and take a shower and see if that relaxes me enough to get a couple hours rest. Darn restless leg! Darn stress!