Denial

Let's be honest. I have pretty much been opening up a new post a day, but then just staring at the screen, frustrated. I decided to not write anything for fear of it coming across angry, or too emotional.

I kept telling myself if I could just make it through my bedrest, the rest of this pregnancy would be so easy! FALSE. It has literally been one thing after another. Every drs appt is more discouraging, every day (and let's face it, night) more challenging than the last.

I have been in pretty much constant labor since 18 weeks, but the problems I am having and the baby are having are right on the borderline of not being able to do anything, to rushing to have a baby. Everyday it changes, and I grow more and more discouraged.

I am beyond uncomfortable, in near constant pain, can't sleep, can't eat, can't walk, can't sit.

Every time I go to the dr he tells me another reason I will have to have a c-section with this baby. The latest? I had some varicose veins rupture (in an undisclosed location), and between that, swelling, and infection from it, they would be unable to do a "normal" delivery. My favorite part is where he tells me that they can't do anything for me until after the baby is born, and swelling goes down. I had no idea how excruciating a ruptured vein could be!

I was also informed this week, that my previous incision from when I had Cricket did not heal properly (another unfortunate trait for Red-heads), and that is was also attached by scar tissue to my uterus. Which means, that they will have to cut out about an inch wide of my skin around the scar, and several inches of scar tissue when I have the baby. Which means an even longer recovery. Perfect!

I had my last pre-natal visit yesterday morning, and my last round of tests and monitoring at the hospital. Yay! It was so nice to get that done! This time tomorrow I will be getting gowned and put on an iv!

I cannot believe it is already here, I have so much to get done today, and I am really hoping that my body will cooperate to get it done. I am also hoping that by staying busy, the time will pass quickly, and sleep will come easier.

I am having a ton of anxiety about having an actual baby, a second child, birth, healing, you know the normal, but I know that in the end this will all have been worth it!

I cannot wait to finally be able to hold my little boy, and give him the biggest kiss!