love.true love.

The Saga continues

You'all thought I was done with the bedrest business didn't ya? Well so did I. Guess we were both wrong.

I was released from the hospital on Sunday mid morning. I went back in that evening.

Turns out I got an infection in my uterus, and it caused a lot of issues.

I have had some major bleeding issues, and if they don't get under control, then I have to be back in the hospital, and have a D&C done to fix it.

So the Doctor (and my mom) have ordered me back on bedrest to see how things go. Not fun.

So my saint of a mother is taking Cricket back home with her tomorrow for a week or so, so that I can rest. If I thought my body could handle the three and a half hour trip, and I didn't have a half million doctors appointments next week, Little Man and I would make the trip too. But alas, we will not.

I cannot believe how much my parents have done for me! I would be completely lost without them! Thank goodness for family.

Hopefully this saga will end soon ;)

Bittersweet

Tomorrow will mark my 5th day in the hospital. It has been a long stay... but I cannot imagine if I were home for this whole ordeal.

Little man is doing well now. The first day he was on the CPAP machine so he could breath, then he started having issues maintaining a good core temp.

I was having a hard time controlling my bleeding for a few days, and we have been having issues with keeping my pain levels down. Since I was on bedrest, and in labor for so long I lost a lot of muscle tone. The dr also had to cut out several inches deep, and several inches wide of scar tissue and adhesions during my c-section. The dr and nurses all told me that this will be a long recovery. Could be close to twice the recovery as my previous c-section. I have always had a problem with excess bleeding, and with the red hair it adds a whole extra set of specialness. Red heads have a tendency to heal slower, bleed more, and have higher scaring rates.

Luckily my Mom will be spending a week helping me out. Bless her heart!

My sweet Little Man has been my saving grace. He is a big cuddler, and senses when I need him for comfort. I have enjoyed every second with him, and holding him brings me back to life, and relaxes my soul. He helps remind me that all of the pain, and lack of sleep is worth it, for a second with him.

I love him so much. He brings such a joy and peace to my soul. I cannot remember life without him in it.

Here's hoping that tomorrow goes well for all of us!

The end...

Or should I say the beginning?

This morning our sweet little boy finally joined our family. It is the moment we have been begging for, for 39 LONG weeks.

He came via c-section at 8:32 AM; weighing in at 7 lbs 13 oz (4 oz shy of his big sister, and about 2 lbs heavier than they predicted on Monday), and 21 inches long.

He is a sweet mellow baby, that loves to cuddle. The cord ended up being wrapped around his neck 3 times. His lungs were not fully developed and he had to be put on the CPAP machine for a couple hours to help, but it doing amazing now.

It's no surprise our little fighter miracle baby has done so well and surprised everyone, and surpassed all expectations.

We all love him so much, and feel like he has always been a part of our lives.

I'll write more later, when I can focus my eyes and mind...

But like I said before, in the end, it's ALL worth it.

Denial

Let's be honest. I have pretty much been opening up a new post a day, but then just staring at the screen, frustrated. I decided to not write anything for fear of it coming across angry, or too emotional.

I kept telling myself if I could just make it through my bedrest, the rest of this pregnancy would be so easy! FALSE. It has literally been one thing after another. Every drs appt is more discouraging, every day (and let's face it, night) more challenging than the last.

I have been in pretty much constant labor since 18 weeks, but the problems I am having and the baby are having are right on the borderline of not being able to do anything, to rushing to have a baby. Everyday it changes, and I grow more and more discouraged.

I am beyond uncomfortable, in near constant pain, can't sleep, can't eat, can't walk, can't sit.

Every time I go to the dr he tells me another reason I will have to have a c-section with this baby. The latest? I had some varicose veins rupture (in an undisclosed location), and between that, swelling, and infection from it, they would be unable to do a "normal" delivery. My favorite part is where he tells me that they can't do anything for me until after the baby is born, and swelling goes down. I had no idea how excruciating a ruptured vein could be!

I was also informed this week, that my previous incision from when I had Cricket did not heal properly (another unfortunate trait for Red-heads), and that is was also attached by scar tissue to my uterus. Which means, that they will have to cut out about an inch wide of my skin around the scar, and several inches of scar tissue when I have the baby. Which means an even longer recovery. Perfect!

I had my last pre-natal visit yesterday morning, and my last round of tests and monitoring at the hospital. Yay! It was so nice to get that done! This time tomorrow I will be getting gowned and put on an iv!

I cannot believe it is already here, I have so much to get done today, and I am really hoping that my body will cooperate to get it done. I am also hoping that by staying busy, the time will pass quickly, and sleep will come easier.

I am having a ton of anxiety about having an actual baby, a second child, birth, healing, you know the normal, but I know that in the end this will all have been worth it!

I cannot wait to finally be able to hold my little boy, and give him the biggest kiss!

7 days....

This is it folks! One week left. I can't wait! I want to snuggle my little guy, and smell that sweet newborn smell, and listen to those sweet little coos.

I am however super tired or ultrasounds, stress tests, blood tests, never ending hospital visits, and drs appts. It is growing really really old.

So far I have been right on the borderline of really bad for the baby. That in turn has caused a whole heap of extra stress for me. The other day I found out that every time I have a tiny contraction (Pretty much couldn't even feel the ones she was pointing out) that his heart rate is dropping 50 points. I don't even want to know what is happening during the big ones! With the cord around his neck so tight, I guess that effects things more. His heart rate is dropping from 140 to 90. But with Utah State law his heart rate would have to be dropping 60 points in order to be determined too much distress. I would think that any distress is too much distress personally, but oh well.

I have two more days of crap at the hospital, and one more drs appt, and then I will have my sweet baby here!

We are first on the schedule as far as c-sections go, so I can have in my arms by hopefully 9 am on Wednesday morning!

I finally took back the living room today. It is no longer Bed-rest Central! The bed is gone, and the swing is all set up and ready for my little sweetie :) My house has been scrubbed down, laundry done. I have one more batch of dishes from dinner tonight, and one more load of laundry, and I can rest.

7 more days. Can I make it? Sure hope so!

I cut you.

Has every woman forgotten what it feels like to get to this stage of pregnancy?!

Seriously if one more person tells me to be patient and let the baby "bake" "he'll come when he is ready, and your body is ready", I will stab them!

As it turns out not everyone's body works like it should. And if your baby isn't growing like it needs too, and needs extra care outside of the womb (Like my baby), it's better for them to come.

Don't tell me your words of wisdom and patience, unless you know the full story, or you know, I actually ask for them? Thanks.

And until then, remember how you felt at this moment in pregnancy, and have a little compassion ok?

11 days

Yesterday was not the greatest. You know those days where basically every single goes array? Yep.

I keep thinking I need to make a paper chain or an advent calender or something so I get some kind of treat when I make it through the day still pregnant, and everyone I know and love is still alive, and speaking to me.

11 days. I can do this. I can do this.

37 weeks!

Only two more weeks until my scheduled delivery of Little Man. Can I make it? :)

Until, I'll have 3, count em, THREE appts a week. 2 at the hospital, and 1 at the drs office. I will be very grateful when my time at the hospital is over... Let's face it, it's not the greatest way to spend 8 hours of your week.

And another...

Today has been INSANE. INSANE. Say it with me folks, INSANE.

Let me walk you through my day.

Tuesday Hubs and I took Cricket in for her CT Scan on her head. It went much better than expected. Praise the Heavens! We were supposedly supposed to find out results that night. I also had a drs appt that day, and found out that Little Man has the cord wrapped pretty good around his head, my fluid is still borderline low, and although Little Man is growing, he is still pretty small. I have notice decreased movement, and was worried about that.... But I needed to focus on Cricket's test first. After a round of tests and an u/s at the Drs office, we did Crickets test, and then I went back to the hospital for some more tests and monitoring on baby.

And we're back to today. Well, Cricket's pediatrician (bless his heart) was out of the office today, so we found out we have to wait yet another day to find out what is going on with her. After I made the phone calls to concerned parties about that, I had a vm from my Ob saying that I needed to call them back immediately concerning my u/s the previous day. I call back, and am informed by the nurse that I need to have more tests done bi-weekly at the hospital on top of my weekly appts, and weekly u/s in the OB's office. She also told me that I would be on the monitor bi-weekly as well. She told me to expect to be at the hospital no less than three hours. TWICE a WEEK! For Three more weeks! So I scheduled my tests for tomorrow, and scrambled to find a babysitter for Cricket.

I also have to attend (in the afternoon) a TWO hour car seat class for Cricket's insurance. It's gonna be a long one tomorrow folks.

Then when Cricket was supposed to be down for a nap, I hear banshee like screaming and something hitting her door. I went to investigate, and in retaliation of being put down for a nap, she had stripped down, diaper and all, and pooped and wiped it everywhere... I mean EVERYWHERE, and peed in about twelve spots on her floor, and was waving her diaper above her head. I nearly lost it. It took all that I had to not just get in the car (which Hubs had at work) and just drive away. It's a good thing I love that girl!

Needless to say, I really was looking forward to sleep. But as it turns out, it's not coming. Oh well. Tomorrow has to be better right? :) One can only hope.

On the upside, we did schedule my c-section for three weeks from now, as long as he doesn't come earlier.... That's something.

Bear with me...

Let's be honest, I wasn't going to sleep anyway. Poor girl must know somethings up because she just can't be alone tonight. She hasn't really slept, but cuddled and won't let me go.

I just put her down again, which was hard, but I'm trying to keep up her normal pattern as much as possible. We'll see how long she lasts this time.

We found out last week that Cricket has a "mass" between her skull and her brain. We don't know what it is yet, but she is having a CT Scan done this afternoon to try and find out. She had a really bad reaction to the anesthesia from her surgery, and since they have to put her out, that only adds to my stress level.

I had a couple moments during the day yesterday that I really thought I may have to go to the hospital! I have been in near constant pain the last few days, and it was BAD yesterday. I couldn't walk hardly at all. I couldn't turn over in bed. Every time I did walk I was in tears. Contractions were pretty bad, but not regular, so I didn't have that to go off of. I know I've had worse pain, but it's hard to think of that when you are hurting so bad!


I am really stressed about Cricket's test. I know in my heart that things will work out, what ever may happen, but she is my baby and it's impossible to not worry.

I am also stressed about my appt. Now that the time is getting close, but things are so up in the air about Cricket, I'm really not ready to have another baby. I don't want to be pregnant anymore, but the thought of having two kids to worry about, and not knowing what is going to happen with Cricket, and how healthy Little Man will be is giving me anxiety! I'm trying so hard not to worry, because it doesn't do anything productive, but again, so hard not to do as a Mom!

Luckily Hubs will be able to be there with me for Cricket's test. So he can at least be in there with her to hold her hand since I can't. Which breaks my heart that I can't, but I am so grateful he can, and they will let him.

I keep telling myself if I can just make it through one more week, Little Man will be full term, and there will be less worry, but I honestly don't know if I can make it that long. I know many people with much harder pregnancies than I have, but this has been so hard on me in every way possible. I'm exhausted, and just ready to have my boy here. I really feel like I am going to snap any second! I am so on edge, and so tired, and in so much pain. There is only so much brave face and faking it one person can do! I just can't believe my Mom went through this is 7 kids! She is my hero! I can't even imagine what she went through, and how she made it with all us little ones around and being pregnant!

I keep stressing about who to call to come take Cricket if I did need to go in, and until my Mom could get here, but then I realized: Duh, my SIL is up here. And Cricket loves her, and I can trust her. I know people in my ward would help, but it's easier with family somehow. Maybe it will be less of a stress to Cricket that way?

Why does there have to be so many details to worry about? It's really stressful!

Anyway, Enough rambling. Maybe I'll try and take a shower and see if that relaxes me enough to get a couple hours rest. Darn restless leg! Darn stress!

35 Weeks!

Well, made it through another week.

It has been great to have Cricket home. I have enjoyed it.

Had to take her in to the doctor yesterday because she has a weird thing on her skull. Had to have some xrays done, but we're hoping everything is ok with her. It about broke my heart to not be able to go in with her while she got her xrays done. With being pregnant, they didn't allow me in. I could hear her crying for me, and begging for Mama to come in. After she got a sticker she was good to go :) That's my girl!

It's been a rough week, and I haven't been sleeping well at all. My heartburn has been through the roof, but being able to get out of the house from time to time without feeling super guilty has been nice.

I am excited to be able to see the dr and u/s girl next week and see how things are looking.

Just got to keep on keeping on. 4 more weeks if nothing else right? :)

Reminders

I'm not gonna lie, I have been feeling pretty sorry for myself the last couple weeks.

I know, I know.

I know it doesn't seem like I am trying to see the positive in life, and the situation, but I truly have.

Anyway, tonight I was talking to a friend, and we were discussing a girl who had been trying for 7 years to have a baby and still hasn't been able to. My friend has also been trying for quite some time to have another baby.

I know the heartache that brings. Although we didn't try for 7 years to get pregnant, we did try for several years, and every miscarriage was pure heartbreak.

She also told me about a girl that had an incredibly difficult pregnancy and literally had to have an ultrasound every 4 minutes, and had to spend nearly her pregnancy in the hospital.

I was also reminded of a sweet mother that gave birth to twins at 24 weeks. One of them passed.

I just can't help but think how lucky I have been. Although it has been an incredibly hard pregnancy, we have had many setbacks, and issues. Also there is that little matter of the incredibly long bedrest business.

But I can't help but think how blessed I have been that even though I have been down, I was able to be down in my own home. I have had great support from my family, and my husband, and I have an incredible doctor. I'm slowly getting closer to the finish line with this pregnancy, and even if Little Man did come early, things would be ok.

I feel deep sorrow for the pain the these women went through, and are going through, but I am glad for a little perspective, and a little reminder that my own troubles could be worse.

34 weeks

Well folks, it has been a long 34 weeks, and and even longer past 4 months of complete bedrest.

It's officially here, I wasn't sure we were going to make it, but we did.

Little Man has been baking for long enough now, that the Dr has okayed me to be off full bedrest.

Hopefully being able to get up and move around a little will help progress things.

5 more weeks. 5 more weeks. There is an end in sight. 5 more weeks.

And another...

It seems like every drs appt brings another set of challenges to this pregnancy. This too shall pass.

Looks like Little Man isn't in fact gaining the weight that he should be, that we thought he was gaining. The dr thinks my placenta isn't giving him the proper amount of nutrients to thrive. It also looks like he isn't growing properly, and the dr is concerned his growth and development may be stunted. My fluid levels are a bit low. So they are going to be doing more tests and such over the next two weeks to determine if he can thrive in the womb, or if he needs to be removed so that he can catch up.

In happy news I am off bedrest as of this Wednesday. I'll be 34 weeks by then, and his lungs will be developed enough he won't have to have any steroid shots.

4 lbs 14 oz

Had an ultrasound today. Little Man is weighing in at 4 lbs 14 oz. About a pound heavier than we were expecting which is great news! Especially since he would have to be at the 5 lb mark to be able to leave the hospital if he were born now.

The u/s tech had a hard time getting good shots of Little Man because of all my contractions. But so far not dilating. Shocker. She is keeping a good eye on my fluid levels cause if they drop they will take him early. Sadly, we (the nurses, u/s tech and dr) are kind of hoping for either some dilation or just low enough fluid levels that they would be able to take him. I am so incredibly miserable, and am really not sure how much more I can handle. I can't sleep, I can't breathe, I can't lay down, I can't sit up. Everything makes me sick, and I am so irritated and annoyed right now, I think I may snap.

Don't think I am a horrible person. Little Man is doing well, and is healthy, but I need to be able to have enough strength and energy to have this baby when it's time too. There is really only so much one body can handle.

We'll see what the coming days and weeks bring.

The light

So I am sitting here on the good ole futon I call home these days, munching on a doughnut nearly the size of my head. I have been craving one for weeks, and finally decided to treat myself to one after my Drs appt this morning. Hey I had to pick up my prescriptions anyway ;)

The dr has me on two more weeks of full bedrest, which would put me at 34 weeks (A safe zone for baby, good lung development, weight, etc), and then I am free to do what I feel like I can handle doing. And if I go into full labor (Which is unlikely apparently, since my cervix is a million miles long, and I just don't dilate), they wont stop me!

Chances are I will have to wait until 39 weeks to have Little Man via c-section, but knowing that I only have 2 more weeks in bed is such a delight! I have been hearing for months about the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's finally, finally here!

I still have to see the dr every two weeks, have tests at the hospital, and see the u/s person on the weeks between my drs appts, so I will still be pretty busy with appts to make sure things are going ok, but knowing the time is getting shorter is so exciting!

So anytime between 2 weeks from now, and 7 weeks from now, we will have a sweet little cuddly baby to hold :) I couldn't be more excited!

But now, I'm really starting to freak about getting things ready! ;)

Catch-up

It's been a week since I blogged last, which on this blog is unheard of :)

Still having many sleepless nights, but they are kept busy with my little toddler bug. So I haven't had much time to think, let alone write.

I'll be honest, it's been an adjustment to have her home, but we are so happy to have our little family back together! Not sure yet how long she will stay, but at least until Thursday... It all depends on my drs appt.

I know I have been slacking on Monday Bliss, I'll catch up someday :)

Little Man had dropped, but it true sibling rivalry, could not be outdone by his older sister's in womb antics, is now back on in my ribs and transverse. But, since we knew a c-section was inevitable this time around anyway, so it's just one more reason to know it's the right thing for this little kiddo.

Hubs is still sick, getting worse in fact, and we had to take him into the dr a second time on Sunday. He is one some pretty heavy meds, and we are really hoping that he can get better really quick, and that Cricket and I don't get the latest version of his illness.

Little Cricket has been a little sick, so she has been very cuddly, and fussy. So we spend a lot of time in the rocking chair.

I thought I was going to lose my mind with her antics today, including flooding the bathroom by trying to flush a huge teddy bear, her baby doll and blanket all at once. But we survived it ;)

Bedrest this past week, hasn't really been there. I have done my best, but with a super sick hubs, and a fussy and clingy sick baby girl, it's kinda hard to lay down and stay down.

I had an incredibly hard day on Saturday, and was pretty sure that I was going to have the baby that day. But alas, here I am still ;) But if it means he can grow and be healthy, we will roll with it.

I only have 2 weeks and 2 days more of full bedrest, and then we will see what it brings! I couldn't be more excited!

My birthday is this weekend, and I am pretty bummed that I won't get to do much, but I'm not 16 anymore, and this is much more important.

Sorry if this all just seems spewed out like word vomit. I just figured I'd get a little post in before Cricket is up again.

What was I thinking?!

I am having a "What the heck was I thinking?" moment tonight. Also a "Am I losing my mind?" moment.

When this is all said and done it WILL be worth every second of these moments... but for now, I am wondering what I have gotten myself into.

That is all.

Drama Drama

This weekend has been one thing after another...

Hubs has been really sick, and we had to take him into the Dr today.

My dad got really ill and ended up in the ICU.

Cricket threw up during Easter Dinner at someone elses house. As a side note, she also threw up in my mouth. Literally vomited in my mouth. Yep.... Pretty sure I will never be able to eat ham, or Jello Salad EVER again.

I feel like my body is being ripped into seventy pieces.

Cricket has had a little bit of a hard time adjusting to being home this time... Really missing Gramma, and Papa, and has turned into the Spawn of Satan... Hubs and I are in debate about which one of us is Satan... probably me this week ;) Her moods swings have about done me in.

I know that tomorrow things will be better. They have to be better!

Dropped

I had an ultrasound again, and Little Man has decided to move around a lot! (Thus the increased bleeding), but he is doing well.

When I got off from my nap I thought I was going to wet myself (TMI I know), and then I noticed my center of gravity was totally different. I looked in the mirror, and sure enough Little Man decided it was time to drop. I wasn't surprised, because of how he was laying on the ultrasound, just a matter of time, but I wasn't expecting it to be an hour later lol.

Guess we will see if this changes anything over the next week while he settles in.

I was really hoping that when he did drop I would have a little relief and be able to breath a little easier, but no such luck.

The Children's Hour

"Between the dark and the daylight,
When the night is beginning to lower,
Comes a pause in the day's occupations,
That is known as the Children's Hour.

I hear in the chamber above me
The patter of little feet,
The sound of a door that is opened,
And voices soft and sweet."



I have my sweet little Cricket home for a few days. It has been exhausting, and hard, but such a delight!

Tonight as she started to signal being tired...ie: screaming, crying, begging for milk, blanket, baby, and to rock... my emotions about got the better of me. I have not been doing very well, and today was a very long pain filled day (I wouldn't trade a moment for the time spent with my little one though), and the thought of having to chase a tired sensitive, screaming child was too much for me to bear. I got her to come rock with me, and the second I started to sing her sweet bed time songs, her demeanor changed. It wasn't long before my sweet girl drifted into a quiet sleep and held tightly to my thumb. I couldn't bring myself to part from her just yet, so I just held her close, rocked some more, and cried.

Of all the jobs I have ever had, or could ever dream of having, being a mom is by far the hardest, most emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. It is painful, and stressful, and I often feel like I will lose my mind. But I have never been so happy, so fulfilled, or so overwhelmed with love. It has been especially difficult over the past few months, and there are many days I feel that I cannot take it anymore. But then I have a "Children's Hour", and my heart and body are renewed, and I wouldn't trade a minute of it, for anything in this world.

I told Hubs earlier tonight when I was getting really frustrated, that I felt like I had lost myself in becoming a Mom. That I had nothing left that was my own. It hurt me to feel like I wasn't a whole person anymore, and that I had nothing left to call my own. Even my body was not my own anymore. I was at a breaking point. But then during my "Children's Hour" tonight, I realized that through my children I had become whole, that they were my whole heart, and my whole being. They are like love on fire. I was never whole before them. Something was always missing. A piece was gone that I could never describe, or understand.

The pain, and stress, and frustration we experience as mothers is what makes us whole. It is what gives us everything we have ever hoped for, and yearned for. It is what makes our hearts whole, enlightens us, and brings peace to our souls. There is a part of us missing, until our children come. However they may come. There is never as much peace in our lives, than through the chaos of being a mother. Never as much rest and comfort in my soul, than when I am holding my child. I have never experienced such love, a love that hurts more than I have ever hurt when it is gone, than with my child.

This is what gets a through. They are the ones that pull us back up when we have fallen so low. They give us the strength and the courage to carry on.

I am not lost with my child, I am lost without her. I cannot wait until my sweet little girl can be home all the time. I am not sure how I will handle all that energy at once, after having such a low key life for the last three months, but I cannot wait to have my children home, and be whole again.

The Children's Hour
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Between the dark and the daylight,
When the night is beginning to lower,
Comes a pause in the day's occupations,
That is known as the Children's Hour.

I hear in the chamber above me
The patter of little feet,
The sound of a door that is opened,
And voices soft and sweet.

From my study I see in the lamplight,
Descending the broad hall stair,
Grave Alice, and laughing Allegra,
And Edith with golden hair.

A whisper, and then a silence:
Yet I know by their merry eyes
They are plotting and planning together
To take me by surprise.

A sudden rush from the stairway,
A sudden raid from the hall!
By three doors left unguarded
They enter my castle wall!

They climb up into my turret
O'er the arms and back of my chair;
If I try to escape, they surround me;
They seem to be everywhere.

They almost devour me with kisses,
Their arms about me entwine,
Till I think of the Bishop of Bingen
In his Mouse-Tower on the Rhine!

Do you think, O blue-eyed banditti,
Because you have scaled the wall,
Such an old mustache as I am
Is not a match for you all!

I have you fast in my fortress,
And will not let you depart,
But put you down into the dungeon
In the round-tower of my heart.

And there will I keep you forever,
Yes, forever and a day,
Till the walls shall crumble to ruin,
And moulder in dust away!

Nesting Man Style

Hubs informed me tonight that he is also nesting. He realized that the time is ticking down before Little Man comes, and so he has started his man nesting ritual.

It all started by taking the crib apart so he could stain it... Did I mention it's 10:30 pm?

He informed me he has many other big projects on his nesting list.

Boo!

From the title, it seems like this should be a post about Halloween. But I am using that word (boo) in replacement of a much stronger, much more aggressive word.

The past two days have been.... Well.... HORRIBLE.

Yesterday I had to run to my local Wal-Mart Super Center to pick up some prescriptions. Hubs would not be done in time with work and school to get them. I'll be honest, I was excited about the prospect of being out of the house for a few mins. I had been hurting pretty bad, and planned on taking a ride in my old trusty friend the Amigo, but sadly they were all out of order... That should have been my first clue to turn around and go home.

I did my stuff, and went through the worst self check out EVER. And I really really do mean EVER. Long story that one.

I went out to the parking lot to find the car. Did I mention that I was about ready to pass out? I also have had little focus, and ability to concentrate on things, and I have ZERO short term memory. This left me pushing my shopping cart around the Wal-Mart parking lot for 30 mins trying to not give birth, and find my car at the same time. There were tears. It was not my favorite moment to ever happen.

This led to more pain, and lots more bleeding when I got home. And that led to ZERO sleep last night....

Then today I had a dreaded Drs appt. It was less than encouraging. Today has not been my friend.

Hubs tried to cheer me up by taking me to dinner (we cheated, don't judge). It also did not end well, and it also ended in tears.

Tomorrow will be a better day! I can feel it! Cricket will be coming down tomorrow for the weekend. Thank the Heavens! It has to be a better day with her here right? :)

Nesting

Oh boy... Here it comes. The nesting stage has begun. Too bad I have really only been able to make a bunch of lists and hope hubs loves me enough to do them :)

I did get all the bottles washed boiled and sanitized, all the baby clothes washed and put away in the appropriate places, the bassinet is clean (just needs to be put somewhere), my hospital bag is packed, and the diaper bag (I should have gotten one about twelve times the size for two kids!), a coming home outfit was purchased, and a few packages of diapers and formula have been purchased. There is SO much more I want/need to do, but it will have to wait until I have help.

Here's my diaper bag. Isn't it cute, and happy? :)

...

I'm starting to freak out about the baby coming.

We officially have 1 (count them 1) onesie that may or may not fit Little Man.

And although it's only been 20 months since we had our last baby, I have no idea what the heck I need to pack in the diaper bag! And the thought of having two children's things in there, freaks me out a little.

Guess it will be another baptism by fire :)

Ugh

I am going to vent for a sec.

I am so angry that doing simple tasks takes me days to recover from, and makes me hurt so badly.

Today I had to run a quick errand while Hubs was in class... I'll be paying for it for the next week. I about died while I was out, and am about ready to die now that I am home. I can't even bring myself to get up to go to the bathroom I hurt so bad.

It makes me very angry. Most days I deal with it, but today I have met my breaking point. Ugh.

That is all. Carry on.

Monday Bliss

My bliss for today is again Cricket. Today has been a rough one, and the thought of her coming home keeps me going.

My sister in law brought our bassinet back from my parents house, and when Hubs got home he washed the fabric parts and got it all set back up. Things are becoming really real. Go figure that the past three months of bedrest haven't made it real. I am feeling pressure to get things ready, but so far all I can do is make lists :)

Sanity

I finally was able to finish up Cricket's Easter outfit. I finished the skirt up a few weeks ago, before I got back into the super strict bedrest, but the rest I did while staying laying down ;) So no worries about that folks. No cheating, I promise!

Atrophy

Either this past week I spoke of how my muscles (especially in my legs) were beginning to lose tone, and atrophy. Which in turn has been incredibly painful when I try to use them again.

With my copious amounts of spare time, I began to think a lot of different types of atrophy. When I was in beauty school we learned a lot of atrophy of your nails, and how painful the process is to lose them, but also to grow then back.

I was thinking about how it's not always obvious pain right away to warn you that you are losing something. Sometimes it just hits you one day. I thought I was doing ok with my muscle tone, and then one day I could barely stand on my own from the loss of tone. And the working of it made it more and more painful.

I think that we often don't notice the atrophy in our lives, until we hit the point of incredible pain, where we have to choose to either give up, and succumb to the pain, or work through the terrible pain, to gain our tone back.

This applies to everything in our lives I believe. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually.

As I have thought much about atrophy, I have realized the other areas in my life that I have "lost tone" in, the places I have neglected, and let start to die. The choice I have to make is this: regardless of the incredible pain, do I wait until it passes, and then ignore it and let it completely die? Or do I work through the pain, and build it up to be stronger than it was before?

Who knew I could have semi deep thoughts at 3 am? Or really anytime of the day lol?

12 weeks

This week marks week 12 of full bedrest. Wow! It's crazy to think that it has been 3 months! My little girl has been gone most of it, and I still have longer to go!

But it's a huge hump that I have passed, so I just have to hang in there, and stay sane for the next 4 weeks til I'm off full bedrest, and the following 5 until the baby comes. Hopefully things will go well.

When talking to the dr, he said that if the bleeding continues, but I don't dilate, then I will probably be down for the long haul (the full 9 remaining weeks). But Hubs and I have been discussing things, and even if the bleeding stops, I will still be in labor and pain every time I get up, so I will most likely be down until he comes anyway. So I just have to remind myself that I have lasted this long, and 9 more weeks will be a piece of cake!

I keep hoping that by staying down my pain will minimize, and I will go back to when if I stayed down things were generally ok. Although it is much more painful to get up, the laying down has not been easy the past two weeks at all. I have basically been in constant pain no matter what. I about pass out every time I do get up, for the bathroom and such, but am not getting any relief while I am down either. My labor is getting worse when I am up, and takes longer to subside when I am down. I am just hoping I can stay at a point where I am home in my own bed and down, rather than at the hospital for 9 more weeks, hooked up to ivs, and monitors all day everyday.

I took a nap in my own bed today, and had forgotten how amazing it feels to be in a regular bed. I have been sleeping in the living room (and by sleeping I mean laying there in the dark begging for sleep), for about the last 2 months, so that Hubs can sleep a little each night, and I have to move less when I need to get up.

In other news, Hubs has 1 week of school left for this semester! I can't wait to have him home a little more, especially when the baby comes! His workload, and class-load will be greater in the fall, but I am hoping the summer will bring a nice break for our whole family!

Just trying to stay positive this week, and am hoping for no change in news at the drs. I have learned that no change in this circumstance is how we want things to be! As a general rule, change has been a very, very bad thing with this pregnancy!

Hankering

I am at that point in my pregnancy where I want what I want, when I want it. I can't stop thinking about it, and dreaming about it, until I get it.

And if I can't get it, well... then I cry. Mind you, I'm not throwing a tantrum or anything.... Just every fiber of my being just wants whatever it is so badly!

Tonight it was Sprite. Well turns out the place hubs took me too to get some didn't have any syrup in their machine. There were tears. Pathetic I know.

One thing I have had the worst hankering for over the last week has been watermelon. Too bad they are out of season, and even if one could find one, it would cost me about a bajillion dollars to get it...





I can taste it, I can smell it, and the thought of it fills my dreams.

Don't judge.

Belated Monday Bliss

I realized that I forgot to do my list of blissful things for this week. I guess probably because it has been a much less than blissful week. It's been a rough one, and I'm afraid things, will only get more rough as the next few weeks pass... But thinking of blissful things from this week has helped brighten my mood :)

So here goes:



Hubs got me a blanket down on the lawn and I got to lay in the sunshine today. It was so nice and refreshing to be outside, and enjoy the sunshine!




The smell of Hub's deodorant. I know that seems very silly, but when you are all alone all day everyday, that comforting scent of your husband's deodorant, and the baby's lotion, helps so much!




I cannot stop thinking about, and eating french toast! So amazing! Especially if it's on Grandma Sycamore's bread!




Even though it's warming up, I could still sip hot coca all day. But after an "incident" tonight, I have been banned from doing anything involving a stove until the baby comes. I have become increasingly absentminded. Could have ended much worse than it did ;)



What brought you bliss this week?

Some?

Anyone wanna join me? This is what I have been dreaming about all day... and obviously since it's 4 am, all night :)

To bad Red Robin doesn't deliver!

201 Days

I have been pregnant for 201 days. On bedrest for more than 90% of them.

I have been experiencing some pretty special pain between the upped labor pains, and also some muscle atrophy.

I was doing ok, and trying to stretch here and there, and keep my muscles relaxed, but today when I got up to go to the bathroom I about passed out from the burning I felt in my thigh muscles. Guess it gives me more reason to stay down :) Silver lining anyone? :)

I have big plans for my first walk off bedrest. I think it will kill me, and I'll probably die by the time I reach the bottom step outside, but I cannot wait to be able to use my muscles again!

I dream of going for walks, and I have big plans for when that day comes :)

In other news, I have been watching "Army Wives" (kinda cheesy, but I don't have a ton of entertainment options right now, so just go with it!), and one of the women on there was suffering with one of the problems with her placenta that I am. Of course it being tv, she had every possible thing go wrong that possibly could; but lets be honest, it puts a lot of fear in your heart! Watching late night tv, and researching things while your exhausted and emotional are not a good idea! You would think I would learn! :)

In better news: Hubs and I got to watch Little Man swim around for quite awhile tonight. He has a fondness for my left side. He is a tough little guy. Which I curse when he kicks and hurts me, but I am thankful everyday that he is so strong, because that means he will make it through this, even if my body doesn't want to cooperate. That was something I still thank Heaven for everyday with Cricket. Even though I have been cursed with messed up parts, I have been blessed with very strong children. Another silver lining! :)

Distracted

If you ask Hubs to make you some french toast, he will go into the kitchen and turn the light on.

Then he will notice there are several light bulbs that have burned out, so he will change them.

Then he will wonder if any other light bulbs need to be changed.

So he changes all the light bulbs in the house.

He goes back in the kitchen, and can't remember why he turned the lights on in the first place.

Stitches

Eight months ago, I had yet another surgery.

But this time, the dr forgot to use dis-solvable stitches on the interior stitches. So for the last 8 months, I have been slowly letting the stitches (knots and all) fester out of my body. So far I have pulled out 9. I have to wait until they fester close enough to the top to pull it out with tweezers by one of the ends.

I haven't had any fester out for awhile, so I was thinking it was all done.

The other day something kept scratching my belly button, and was hurting. So I did a little investigating, turns out I had another stitch needing to come out... that's right, out of my belly button.

Hopefully there won't be anymore coming out. Not my favorite moment in time.

Riddle me this...

Why do I crave something all day, know it will make me sick, then give in about 2:30am, eat it anyway, and spend the next hour throwing up?

I think if you crave something (especially when you are pregnant) that you should be exempt from getting sick from it.

It's a cruel cycle.

I am thinking of starting a petition to end it. Who is with me?

Are we there yet?

The past few days as I mentioned previously have been pretty rough.

Terrible, no good, very bad days.

The one good thing that happened was Hubs got to feel Little Mans head and Bum. He really likes to poke them both out, and nestle up in my rib cage and by my ribs. Not my favorite position, but it's neat for Daddy to see what is going on.

Several times (while walking to my scheduled bathroom breaks)I was pretty sure that he was going to kick and push his way out. So much pain and pressure. All you mommies out there probably remember that feeling quite well.

Since this is a blog about my adventures in bedrest, I'll give a little detail of some of the problems we have had this week. If you don't want to hear (or read rather) about it, kindly move onto the next post :)

Because of the problems that we have been having with the placenta this time around, Placenta Praevia (Placenta is completely covering up the cervix, causing bleeding, and preventing natural childbirth), and a Placental Abruption (in layman's terms, a tear in the placenta, which can cause the placenta to peel away from the uterine wall); we have been trying to keep bleeding from starting, and keep the placenta out of stress as much as we can. Unfortunately, with Little Man's growth and movement, the abruption has gotten worse, and caused some bleeding. It could be much worse bleeding at this point, and the dr told me he was surprised it hasn't happened before now, given both problems in utero. But if I don't stay down, there could be bigger issues. If the placenta detaches before it's time for Little Man to come, there is obviously going to be some problems. If my bleeding get worse, then I will have to be hospitalized until Little Man is ready to come. Which would be beyond miserable! So we are doing our best to avoid it! The dr hopes that when Little gets bigger and starts running out of room, since his movement will slow and maybe the placenta will stop peeling away. Hopefully anyway. Another part of the problem is the tests I have to have done every other week to determine if I am secreting the labor hormone, cannot be done while I am bleeding because it messes up the results. Besides all the added ultrasounds, tests and Drs appts I will have now to make sure he stays in as long as possible.

Until the bleeding stops (of it does) I am on a very strict bedrest, which includes only being able to lay on my left side, and no sitting up. Which is next to impossible, so when I get a pinched nerve or sore in my back I sit up for a few mins, and Hubs rubs my back. But never fear, I am doing my best to follow orders to the letter, and keep this baby in. Problem is making my body cooperate!

Accompanied with all of this is incredible pain (worse than before), and more labor. Thankfully he is growing well, and moving tons, but since I carry so far back, I feel every movement, and can barely breath (which the laying down business does not help!). And although I do not look large, there is a lot happening inside, even if you can't see it from the outside. Between the pain, and being so uncomfortable, I am quite literally ready to throw in the towel. I told hubs today that I am really done. Trust that I know things will be worth it when he is here, and I won't regret a moment of it. But let's be honest, this is not a fun ride. I do not have a moment in the day where I am not in excruciating pain. In fact Hubs and I have been referring to the hospitals 1-10 pain scale so he knows where I am at lol. (Say 8! Say 8!)




I feel like a child in the car asking their parents every five mins if we're there yet?

Rain

Had myself several good cries today.

My Mom says that tears are like the rain. They are cleansing. There was a pretty good thunder and rain storm today.

The weather felt like my heart today. Guess we both needed a good cry.

I guess the earth's heart was as heavy as mine today, we both needed a cleansing release.

Tomorrow will be better, and hopefully the sun will be shining outside and in my heart.

Ugh

Today has been discouraging. I had a Drs appt today, and it wasn't super great news... Which means more tests and appts in the coming weeks.

The good news? I'm not sure, but we're trying to keep positive that everything will work out and be ok.

Nesting much?

Today I made three receiving blankets (from bed... I've gotten that good)

And prepared three more to tie when Hubs can sew them together for me.

Then I realized in a panic that I need to get my hospital bag ready. Lol. I know. I'm a nut job :)

Anyway here is what all matches that I have made (Minus the car seat and the diaper bag)



I believe my nesting phase has officially started... Unfortunately there is only so much I can do from bed. But I have lists! Lots of lists for hubs! :) And I want to rearrange and organize about every room. It's killing me to not do it, but I keep on dreaming, or as hubs says it, scheming :)

Bed away from bed

Nestled between the window, stove, and computer desk lies a futon. It has become my bed away from my bed for the past ten weeks, and will continue to have that calling for the next 6.



All I can say is, it's better that the air mattress on the floor before it, and even better than the loveseat I was on before that!

This afternoon I was calculating the amount of time I have been on bedrest this pregnancy. I was on modified bedrest for the first three months of pregnancy, then for the last ten I have been on complete bedrest. I will continue to be on for at least the next 6 weeks, and then we'll see about the 6 weeks after that.

That's 196 days so far on bedrest. which equals 4704 hours... 282,240 minutes, in case you were wondering.

The penguin walk

We all reach a point in our pregnancies where we start to walk like this:


Most of the time, it's during the third trimester, with a gigantic baby belly, lots of weight put on, and when the baby has started to drop. It usually involves a hand on the back for support, and a hand on the belly to help hold things in. lol.

It DOES not usually involve someone who hasn't put on a pound since being pregnant, and looks like they just ate a little too much during the holidays. Hubs, tells me I look more like 4 months pregnant. In fact most four months pregnant women look further along than me.

In case you lost track: This is my barely there belly at 28 weeks. 7 Months pregnant folks.


Many people have said: You are so lucky! You are so small! You must still be so comfortable. Well, let me clear that up for you. NO! I am not comfortable! I carry my babies in my back, and I feel every single movement, and it hurts. There isn't any padding to protect me, and since Little Man gets the hiccups about a bazillion times a day, I feel like all my insides are bruised all the time. And if you can just for a minute imagine the back labor that is happening. As we speak. There are upsides to carrying in your back, and being smaller... Better stability, since my center of gravity isn't completely gone (Although I am quite possibly in the top ten of clumsiest people ever), I can still sleep on my stomach (but lets face it, I will until this baby comes), I can wear pretty much anything I want (in fact I have only wore maternity pants once).

But sometimes the comments are worse!

Last night Hubs needed me to run something outside to him, so I waddle out like a penguin. I could see him through the car window laughing his head off. He said, "You are not big enough to be walking like that yet!" Turns out, I am. Unfortunately.

I'm the Boss! I'm the Boss!

This Little Cricket is a little Sassy Pants. Her Daddy calls her pistol, if that gives you any idea of her personality.

We enjoyed being with her all weekend. As I mentioned in a previous post she has been a little sassy in her speech.

Her latest funny?

"I'm boss! I'm the boss!" When I told her I'm the boss she says: "No! I'm Boss!". Then yesterday she told me: "I'm Mama, I'm the boss". I again told her I was Mama, and I was in fact the boss... "No, Mama! Silly Deuce (Goose)! I'm Mama, I Boss!"

Who can argue with that kind of cuteness? Pretty sure Hubs and I will be in for it in a few years :) But until then, we'll just chuckle and give her kisses and pinch her chubby cheeks!

Keep on truckin'

At my Grandma's house, in my Dad's old room, there is a poster that as a child gave me and my siblings nightmares... It was a black and white picture of a creeper old grizzled man with a cane walking down a lonely road, that read: "Keep on Truckin"

Unfortunately, I cannot find a picture of it to share with you. There is much we could say about this poster, but we will save that for a later date :)

I will never be able to forget this poster, and the fear it used to strike in me... But now, I think of what it reads. "Keep on Truckin".

While I was looking for a picture of the poster to share, I came across another one of my favorites:





I have often been thinking about that the past few days. Keep Calm and Carry On.

There has been some pretty special, stressful, and scary moments during this pregnancy. Although I have only been on bed rest for 10 weeks, from the very day we discovered I was pregnant, there has been a lot of problems.

I just keep telling myself to Keep Calm, and Carry On.

There is no amount of stress and worry that will fix the situation that I am in. Nothing more that I can do to insure the safe arrival of my Little Man, more than I am already doing.

So instead of freaking out, at every given obstacle, and causing more undue stress, and worry, I choose to Keep On Truckin.

And given the current state of my body, I probably look remarkably as creepy and scary as the old man in the picture :)

Monday bliss

Hubs brought me home a treat tonight, he knew I had the munchies pretty bad today:



Have you tried them yet? If not you should!

My other bliss today?



Enough said.

People of Walmart

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

Yesterday I broke a cardinal rule of bedrest. I got out of bed! Gasp!

Little Cricket needed some more Tylenol, and bandaids, so we trekked it up to the local Wal-Mart Super Center.... Needless to say, there is always an adventure in store there.

Unfortunately there was no My Amigo wheelchairs to use, but I figured since we were just grabbing two things, I would be ok, just walking. Well, this is Wal-Mart so that was my second mistake.

We had to return something really fast, and were the second people in line. I was excited thinking we would be there two mins tops. Third mistake... Turns out the man working customer service was, well, a chatter. And as it also turns out, so was the lady in front of us in line. Pretty sure she cashed every check she ever had, paid every bill known to mankind, and then proceeded to send money orders to her entire extended family.

At this point Cricket had about had it, Hubs was desperately trying to keep her from diving head first out of the cart, and away from the "kindish" ladies behind us trying to carry on an adult conversation with her for a half hour, and I? Well... I was trying really hard to stay upright, not go into full on labor, and not pass out.

Just as we thought the lady in front of us was done, her daughter came up with a basket full of groceries she wanted her to buy. Oh did I mention that the kid in line behind a couple people behind us was having a complete melt down? He was screaming at the tv to turn the camera off, that it wasn't allowed to tape him, and was sobbing that it wasn't listening to him.

About a half hour later, we departed with our gift card, just before I snapped on the people in front of me...

Then as we got our things and were using the self checkout (because let's face it, I couldn't handle another person) we discover a sign that says: "Warning this register runs really (crossed out to say EXTREMELY) slow sometimes. Good luck!" Good luck? Really? Really?

Shoulda stayed in bed...

Oh White Trash America...

White Trash America is God's little reminder to me, on days like yesterday, that my life could indeed be worse....

Last night, I was talking to my cousin-friend, and we were laughing about our specialness of a day... Hubs bursts into our room and shouts at me to call 911.

This was about 10.

Pause for a sec... little background: We live in a pretty good neighborhood. There is a neighborhood closeish to us that is, well, special... and that's where most of the action is. Our little neighborhood usually stays decently quiet, and calm. Which we are grateful for...

I run outside trying to figure out what is going on, and all I can see is a red Mustang parked all crazy in front of our house and people screaming at each other. This man is trying to pull his girlfriend out of the car, and I am silently trying to convey to Hubs that he needs to keep his weapon holstered (He is a firm believer in concealed carry).

At first I couldn't tell if there was an accident, or what was going on. I see a bike on the ground, and a man next too it limping... Weird right?

So I call 911 and am trying to tell the dispatcher what is going on. Turns out we weren't the only ones calling. Turns out the man was violating a protective order against the girl, and also turns out that he was on some major drugs.

It was fairly crazy to watch them before not 1 but 5 cop cars came over, and rushed to them, to figure out what was going on.

Hubs and I still don't know the full story, and I don't think we ever will, but this was my little, well, BIG reminder, that my life could in fact be worse.

Christmas in April

Well, word has gotten out that I have been a little down, depressed is probably a better description.

I've been trying really hard to stay positive, and upbeat, but since I'm human I haven't been able too at every second of everyday.

The past few weeks have been especially hard, and try as I might, I have been beyond emotional, and feeling very lonely and sad.

Well, the other night, we got a surprise at our door. And by we I mean me.

A very thoughtful person left me a little pick me up treat.



It's a tree and each day I have gotten an apple that goes on the tree that has a word that describes my personality. The note said that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, and one of these "apples" a day may keep the blues away. Super cute right?

Hubs said he accidentally found out who my secret Santa is, but he has been keeping it a secret :) Usually it drives me crazy, but I am happy not knowing right now :) It just helps me keep up my spirits, and stay happy knowing that someone is thinking of me, and even when I feel very alone, it will help remind me I really am not. :)

Ok! Ok!

My Little Cricket has a cute thing that she does.

When she is agreeing to something she says: "Ok! Ok!"

Hubs and I have found ourselves saying Ok! Ok!

When I was talking to my Mom the other day she did it too.

And now that you read this, you will find yourself saying it too :)

It's ok though, because let's face it, it's real cute!

Are we done yet?

This week has been the week from.... Well yeah... Feel free to fill in the blank at your leisure.

It started off with a sick husband, a ton of Drs appts, and lots of sleepless nights.

Yesterday Little Cricket had surgery done on her thumbs and neck at Primary Children's. Did I mention we had to leave our house at 4:20 am? Yep.

It was a long, stressful, exhausting, and painful day. And our sweet little girl gave us some pretty bad scares, with some bad complications she ended up having, and we had to wait for 4 hours after she hit the recovery room to wake up. Luckily we were able to be with her, and hold her during that time, but it was really scary and stressful.

And to make matters even more awesome, Little Man wanted a piece of the action. He about killed me with all the contractions, and severe kicking, and such. It was a long day for me, and my pain level was at least an 8 most of the day.

But as I have learned in the last 19 months, sometimes, you just have to be a mom and push past that pain.

Oh, did I mention I nearly passed out? Yep, I am awesome. Luckily I knew it was coming and caught myself right on time.

Can I just tell you how difficult it is to see your child so helpless and you can't do anything for them? And when they cry "Mama, Help!" and you can't? And when they wake you up crying and telling you they hurt, and you can't give them anything stronger than Tylenol? It's rough folks. Rough.

But, then again, there is nothing in this world like cuddling with your sweet little girl, and soothing her to sleep. And the peace that comes, when they hold you tight, and they are ok.

In that moment, all is right in the world. And I wouldn't trade any of the stress and pain for it.

There came a moment of peace yesterday, after all the tears, and pain were past, were I felt so deeply, that for that moment, All was right. My baby was alive, and she was ok, and she needed me, and all was right. I will cling to that. Until it comes again.

Baby Boe-Boe

My sweet little Cricket has been becoming increasingly aware of the world around her. Particularly my changing body.

For example:

With my barely there pregnant tummy: "Mama? Baby? Baby Boe-Boe?" (Baby brother?)

If she notices that my legs are prickly: "Mama? Gross, ouch!"

She finds it very fascinating how often I need to use the bathroom, and often has to tell people: "Mama, potty! Again!"

She had surgery yesterday (More on that later), and slept with me last night on the bed in the living room, so I could keep an eye on her. About 5 she sidled up next to me, and whispered:
Mama? Sleepy?", when I told her I was, and to go back to sleep she crinkled her nose and said "Mama! Stinky!" Guess I needed to brush my teeth.

She has started to associate certain things with certain people. For example: "Potty? Like Mama?" When someone blows their nose: "Nose? Like Papa?", when her food is hot: "Blow? Like Grandma?", "Silly Doose (Goose)? Like Daddy?" "Burp? Like Papa? (Or Daddy, depending on the burp I guess)".

I also don't seem to sing "Popcor" (Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree) wrong. She always shouts "No! No! Like Grandma!" when I try and sing it. Not sure what I am doing wrong, but it's not right lol.

Speaking of chocolate cake...

I made some chocolate cake tonight (From a sitting position, never fear folks), and apparently I am on crack cocaine.

It was quite literally the most disgusting thing I have ever made... Not sure what I did wrong, since it was from a box and all, but if anyone wants to make up for it I'm home :)

Nathan, that means your wife can make that yummy chocolate kind anytime she feels like baking! :) Just kidding.

Anxiety

Oh anxiety my arch nemesis, please go away!

Over the past few days I have been hearing about and seeing extremely pre-mature babies.

This has made my anxiety level go through the roof! It breaks my heart to see these sweet spirits have to struggle so much to survive.

I keep a constant prayer in my heart, that my Little Man can stay in long enough to be safe.

Hubs and I were talking to today, and crying looking at pics of babies born at the stage I am at (Ok, I was crying, Hubs was trying not to feel awkward). We were talking about the people we knew whose babies had not only survived, but thrived, and how well they are doing. We were also discussing how far medicine has come to help these babies be ok.

The Dr told me that 28 weeks (which is next Wednesday) is a huge milestone for those going through pre-term labor, and there is a huge thrival (is that a word?) rate with babies born that age now. Obviously we want to go father, but with all the contractions, cramping, and pain I have been having this week, each milestone helps me get through.

So we will celebrate when we make it to 28 weeks, then 32, then 34 (Off bed rest!), then 36, then 39.

We will be having chocolate cake, which I can't stop eating right now, at each milestone, so come on over! :)

Monday bliss

My bliss today:

Finding super cute new shoes for Cricket ($3.00 people!)

Finding cute latex free bandaids for Cricket to have after her surgery (They also match a blanket I made for her :) )

Super cute Baby Boy Blanket fabric. Freshly washed and ready for sewing!

This sweet little Cricket. She sure loves her yogurt!

Um?

Well that was unexpected, and not really necessary at midnight...

Guess we are starting our spring cleaning tonight.

Someone (who shall remain nameless) flooded the bathroom tonight.

But hey we needed to clean out the cabinet and drawers anyway right? :)

Hubs is a stud

My husband is a stud. He went to 3, count them 3 different stores tonight just to get me Sixlets.

Yep. I sure love him.

I (I mean Little Man) really needed them ;)

To do:

Putting together my To Do list for the week.

It used to include things like laundry, dishes, reorganizing a room, deep cleaning, cleaning carpets, shopping, library trip, play dates, etc

Now it includes trying to coordinate drs appts with Hubs' work schedule (I average about 3 a week; this week there is one a day), trying to find things to do so I don't go crazy, calling drs office and setting up appts, talking to the insurance company, paying bills, and other many boring tasks.

This week will be more intense and exciting than most. I am a lucky girl, I get to leave the house every day this week! Hubs has midterms this week, and Cricket has surgery this week. Just have to remind myself to keep things slow and easy, so we don't add bed rest at the hospital to the list :)

Things no one told you...

There are a lot of things I have discovered about being on bedrest that no one told me, and there wasn't really anyway to prepare myself for it.

First is obviously the shock of it all. Everyone deals with shock differently. Much to hubs annoyance most of the time I deal with shock through intense humor. I joke around, and laugh, and pretend like everything is great and I am invincible. I feel like I have to do this so that the people around me don't panic. I feel like if they don't panic then I won't either. When I first started having pre-term labor I called my Mom and laughed as I told her I was having contractions. I don't think she found it very funny.
The whole time I was in the hospital and was meeting with Drs and ultrasound techs, and nurses and such, I laughed and cracked jokes. I still do. I do that while I'm in pain to keep from losing it. The Chiropractor is constantly surprised at my laughing ability instead of screaming in intense pain "like most of the gals".

Secondly comes silent panic. Especially for me. I didn't want to vocalize my fears, and tried to deal quietly with them. I waiting until hubs was at work, and Cricket was down for a nap before I lost it, and sobbed and sobbed. I tried to keep my composure and promised everyone I was fine, and didn't need anything (inside I was secretly falling apart, more and more everyday).
What if something happens to this baby and I didn't do a good enough job staying down? What is Hubs going to do? He already has so much on his plate. How is my house supposed to stay clean? Who is going to take care of the baby? Am I going to end up in the hospital full time? What drugs will I be on? When will the baby come? Will he be healthy?

Then came the intense depression. Which I also hide for a long time. But most of my days I spent in tears, or complete numbness. And it has only gotten worse as time has dragged on.

With the depression, came anxiety, and boredom.

Then my body started giving out, and the little emotional sanity I had left gave out.

With each visit to the dr, and each passing day it only got worse.

My discouragement became overwhelming.

It is really hard to stay positive when your whole world is turned upside down. When even the simplest task can't be done. My bathroom breaks and showers are even on a schedule, and something I have no control over anymore.

I can't do anything I am used to. Instead of being a mom, and wife, I have become an incubator for a child that I stress every second about being able to carry to a point he will survive.

I have never in my life felt so worthless, depressed, stressed, bored, hopeless, helpless, and alone.

I feel like I have given my whole life up, and not by my own choosing. I have received a lot of helpful talks from people, and reminders of it's worth, and how amazing it will be when the baby comes. But I have to say, that is really hard to see when you are in near constant pain every second of everyday. And when you are hormonal and emotional, you really aren't thinking clearly.

I a determined to find the positive, and to keep laughing and push through. I do KNOW that in the end, this will all be worth it, and I will have no regrets.

Just don't judge me too harshly if you catch me on an off and emotional day :) Deal?

Trust me, I know that when Little Man gets here, I will be the happiest mama there ever was, and I won't even think of the literal months of torture I had to go through to get him here, but everyone has bad days. I'm learning to adjust, and deal. I just sometimes wish that I could conquer one battle before the next one starts. But then again don't we all? :)

Bleh

What can I say? It's been a rough one. This week has about killed me in every way.

My saving grace? Spending time with Cricket for a couple days.

We cuddled, and laughed, and sang silly songs. She gave lots of loves, and kisses. It was rough to have her go back, but we get to see her on Wednesday when we pick her up for her surgery.

Only eight more weeks and hopefully life will get slightly more normal. Fingers crossed! Probably more like 14 or 15 weeks lol. But a girl can dream right?

Frog legs

I have always been incredibly flexible. And I have always either slept one of two ways. I either sleep like a frog, or a sleep in full fetal position completely curled in a ball.

Today at the Chiropractor we were discussing my sleep position to determine if that was effecting my pain and muscle tension.

I showed him that I sleep with my legs Indian style and laying down. He had quite a good chuckle at that. Especially with me at 26 weeks.

He was then telling me about some stretches I could do from bed to try and stay loose, and not get cramps, blood clots, and have more complications. He warned me that they are pretty intense for most people to get into, and that at first I may not be able to stretch as much as I might want too. Then he showed me what I needed to do, and laughed out loud when I had no problem at all getting my leg high enough and bent enough to stretch. He said that he had never seen anyone as pregnant as me be able to move like that with no complaint. Guess I am pretty amazing :)

Monday bliss

I almost forgot about my Bliss for Monday.

Today my bliss comes from incredibly good news from friends.

It also comes from a visit from my sweet cousin-friend, and having some much needed girl time.

But most of all it comes from Skyping with my beautiful Cricket. When she is happy and laughing and talking it makes it even better!

Insomnia

I struggle really badly with insomnia, but when I am pregnant it magnifies by 100.

So as a result I have even more free time on my hands, than I did before if that's possible... Time to find a new hobby to keep me busy between the hours of 11 pm and 7 am.

It's amazing what the human body can endure, especially while you are pregnant. As exhausted in every way as I am, I just stay awake :) And keep at it for days, and weeks, and months on end.

My brother asked my Mom yesterday (who got up with the baby cause she was sick) if you ever get sleep again after you have kids. The answer? No! If it's not one keeping you up, its the other... or the worrying. And my poor Mom has lots keeping her up lately. She has my toddler keeping her up, and the worry of her other kids keeping her up. Bless her heart. Let's all pray she gets a nap!

Snapped!

I have tried really hard to find humor and the positive side of this trial. But I must admit it has not been easy. I am still determined, but because I am human, sometimes I fail, miserably.

After over two months of being on flat on your back bed rest I finally snapped. I was really surprised when all was said and done that I hadn't snapped earlier.

Mom, you may want to stop reading now :)

First I made Hubs go through a bunch of stuff with me, and started throwing things away like crazy. I cleaned and organized Cricket and Little Mans room, and closet, and after an anxiety attack, and a lot of borrowed courage (from my mom) I boxed up all of Crickets too small clothes to give away. Then I lost it emotionally and cried for a good couple hours.

I'll be honest with you, it was not smart of me to do all of that activity, and I know that, but I just couldn't lay there another second. I am paying for it big time now, and had a scare, but things are ok. I promise Mom :)

There are so many emotions that are happening right now, many I wasn't prepared to deal with so fully. They all came to a head the other day, and I had reached my maximum capacity.

I don't choose to dwell on this moment in time, but I felt like it was important to be realistic on what I am dealing with.

Many people have told me how they would love to be confined to bed, and have no worries or jobs (and I'll be honest I once thought that it would be pretty great). But the truth of the matter is it is hard on both your body and your mind. I have never felt so helpless, or worthless in my life. It is a kind of despair and helplessness I can't describe to you, and the pain that your body goes through is something I didn't know would happen.

There is only so much tv one person can watch, and only so long I can read, or lay down before you want to shoot the tv.


I was talking to my dear cousin-friend today, and telling her my worries and anxiety about the pregnancy, and the baby coming, and not feeling of not being able to take care of myself or the baby. How I was worried that I would somehow resent Little Man for all of this stuff... But then she told me to think about that moment when I held Cricket for the first time, and how somehow the world just seemed right for one small moment. How all of the pain and literal Hell I had been through before was all somehow worth it, and somehow didn't matter anymore, once that baby was in your arms.

I remember so vividly when I finally got to hold my daughter. Knowing so deeply that I would have given, and would give my entire life for her. And I will hold that moment and feelings with me until I can hold this sweet baby and the world will again be right.

That all of this; the literal hell, pain, insomnia, appointments, missing my child, feeling like I am going to snap, every second of it will be worth it in a few months, and in a few months I won't regret a single moment of it. This is what I will chose to remember, and this is what I will hold onto to make it through.

And next time I snap, I'll just binge on some ice cream instead :)